Friday, May 27, 2005

Here We Go Again

This weekend has already exceeded my expectations for shittiness. The new job, which had been going along uneventfully, took a sudden plunge downhill on Wednesday. 

Suddenly I found myself being called out to the sidewalk for a private chat with the "kitchen lead," because he has become convinced that I don’t have any respect for him or his experience. Honest to God, to me, this came out of nowhere. I keep running into this at job after job. I get into these predicaments where I think I am getting along fine with people…meanwhile, they have decided I am a bitch on wheels. I DO have a dry, sarcastic sense of humor. It’s crossed my mind that this is a regional thing. I never had this trouble when we lived back in the Midwest. I don’t want to say that West-Coasters are unsophisticated…but they do seem to be a tad more literal-minded than I was used to.

Anyhow, this "problem" took me totally off-guard. I can NOT deal with people not getting me, or not liking me when I have no idea what I did to offend them. I have been in a total emotional tail-spin ever since. Not sleeping, leaning rather more heavily on the wine bottle than necessary…the whole nine yards. Feeling absolutely worthless. Can’t believe that I bravely sallied forth into the world of employment to fail yet again. The end result will be that, as of this weekend, the job will be history. I wish them luck…I may even eat there once they get all their shit in one sock (or maybe not, given that one of the things that has really bothered me is their non-understanding of the concept of cross-contamination…)

The possible upside of this mess is that it has taken my mind off what I had planned to be depressed about this weekend—the family celebration in Illinois from which I am a pariah. Or did it just add to my burden? I don’t know. I’m starting to think that there is a whole lot of evidence out there that I am simply a miserable, unlovely person that can’t get along with anyone—stranger or family. Have I spent so much time alone that I am really the only person in the world that can tolerate my company? Thankfully, once again, the husband is still hanging in there. I must have apologized a hundred times in the last two days for being such a pain in the ass, for being so "high-maintenance." He clucks his tongue and tells me to quit being so hard on myself. Maybe he’s right. I don’t know. 

Suddenly, I don’t know much of anything anymore. This so often happens when I start thinking that I might be moving in a discernible direction. My bridge of self-confidence comes to an abrupt end, and I fall, flailing, into the void.

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