I should have known, when I almost pulled the plug on my marriage, that something else was really the problem. Yes…there is a plug that definitely needs to be pulled. But it is not my marriage that is going to get the royal flush.
After a perfectly ghastly spring and summer, I have come to the realization that I cannot do this anymore. Partially because it is, in the famous words of someone very close to me, "not what I signed up for."
I was not supposed to be doing this by myself after four years. We had anticipated that the husband's job would be going away within a year…eighteen months at the outside. And that we would then be doing this together. At least that is what I understood was the plan. Fifty-one months later, I am still wearing every hat, juggling every plate, using fingers and toes I don't have to try to hold this thing together.
I am not a person I know anymore. I am not a person I LIKE anymore. I'm not a person ANYONE likes anymore, for that matter. Which, I'm afraid, is part of the reason the husband has retracted his interest in becoming a full and equally functioning partner. Kind of a "chicken/egg" situation, actually. I can't seem to make it clear to him that the reason I am what I am right now is that I am totally overwhelmed, and if he DID come on as we had planned, things would most likely change. For the better. Be that as it may, he's not buying it. And, in the end, I've discovered I am not equal—was never equal—to the task of running this business by myself.
Truth be told, I don't know what task I am equal to anymore.
It seemed I was better off—at least, I wasn't making a public ass of myself—when I was angst-filled, semi-employed, bored and at loose ends, with only my keyboard and the anonymous ether to vent on..or at…or whatever. THAT life—and that oddly comforting little community into which I fell, quite by accident—is gone as well. I won't have that to fall back into. Probably a good thing…I don't know.
But I think…I think what I'd really like to do when all this is over is just go crawl under a rock. And stay there. For some unspecified amount of time. Until I feel human again. If that ever happens.
Now begins the task of disassembling all that I thought I had built in the past four years.
Which shouldn't be too hard, since it has mostly fallen down around my head already.
I'm not sure I'm ready for another crash and burn. But life isn't always about what one is ready for, is it?
4 comments:
I'm sorry to hear this.
Hi Sweet Friend! I am just dropping by for a few minutes to catch up and had to see how you are doing. Has it been four years with that business already? My gosh how time flies. I am soooo sorry to hear of your continued struggles with that restaurant. Can't imagine the work, blood, sweat and tears you've experienced in this economy. Hang in there and know that I think you are amazingly strong!! Hugs, Lisa
"If I'd never loved, I never would have cried." Paul Simon
Isn't it funny that when you grow older you realize nothing, and I mean nothing, is what you expected. From being in the beverage biz and helping so many people start restaurants I understand what it takes. It takes everything. Many people are surprised that its more than good food and location. I see why Mexican restaurants make it...they have an unending supply of cousins, brothers and sisters who help! I kid you not. I hope you are able to sell it. I am glad you are able and strong enough to save what's really important in this life. And how CRAZY that Paul came out of the wood work to comment. i think of him happy and sassy with a new wife and fabulous retirement suiting him. I miss him and I'm happy to see that he still watches over us.
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